I did that thing.

I have been pursuing a lot of energy work as a way to clear old patterns/behaviors/things that no longer serve me and to assist me in living my Truth. I have seen a Shaman and an intuitive healer. I have meditated on clearing my chakras. I have purchased and received as gifts many crystals and other energetic jewelry. Last night, I drove 5 hours to DC to have reiki performed on me as well as some other energy work that is a little more personal that you don’t need to know about. (ok, fine, it was a v-steam)

But, driving 5 hours? That seems a little extreme don’t you think? No. No, I don’t. I believe that the energy work that works best are the ones you are drawn to. The practitioners that you are drawn to. After all it’s your inner voice – your Truth – that is guiding you there. I was forwarded a random blog post about the type of reiki that this practictioner performed. I was intrigued. The more research I did, the more my body screamed, YES! Do this! So, I researched practictioners close to me. They were around, but my body didn’t sing when I found them. I called the original person in DC and the conversation was magical. That is where I was meant to be.

After 2 hours (of a one hour session) I felt like I had been raked through the coals. I was exhausted from crying. I was blown away by the imagery created during the session. Mostly, I was so grateful for this person brought into my life. 

I went back to my hotel (I am NOT driving back 5 hours after something like that) alone. I had been anticipating that almost as much as the reiki itself. I couldn’t wait to meditate on my experience, to read the books I had brought, to maybe even write a blog post. I couldn’t wait for me time. 

Only, when I got back, I found all kinds of crazy shameful, negative thoughts flowing through my mind. I drank too much wine (which I know blocks my energy), I ate foods I shouldn’t, and missed my family terribly wishing they were here with me. Woah. Wasn’t expecting that. It was such a downward spiral that I even ordered some cheesecake (with gluten and sugar that is not ok for my health) because I figured, I am already on that spiral, might as well enjoy the ride down. Do you think I did? No, of course not. That just led to more uncomfortable feelings that I kept trying to push away. So I turned on the TV in hopes of drowning the noise out. I couldn’t sleep and every time I woke up (every half hour), I found myself submerged in the self loathing again. Well, shit. Maybe the reiki wasn’t the right thing for me.

About 8 this morning, I woke up for the day. And something had shifted. I woke up with the instant thought, “I am so grateful to be alive that I may enjoy this day”. What? That’s a little different than the voice I was used to hearing all night long. At first I was confused, but then I thought back on all the times I experienced a big energy shift when working with a practitioner. Something similar has happened each time. Almost like all of the junk is rising to the surface on it’s way out of my body and out of my life. 

This morning I couldn’t wait to share this experience with you. Even though I wish I had handled myself a little  better last night, it is what it is. I did what I did and it is over. There is no more shame, no more judgment. Just peace. I can’t wait now to meditate on what I have experienced and when I am done I will be so ready to head back to my family and squeeze their faces off (because that is literally what I do). I will head home grateful for the experience, ready to move forward with a little less junk in my trunk. 

When your inner voice is telling (or screaming) at you to go do a thing, go do that thing. No matter how crazy it sounds. You won’t regret it. That inner voice, it knows a thing or two.  


Be Bold. Be Brave

It’s true what you have heard. The kingdom of God lives inside of you. What does that mean? It means that you already have and are all that you will ever need. It means that you are a gift to this world. It means that keeping your heart open and following where it will lead, it will never lead you astray. Do you feel that Truth resonating in your soul?

Have you tried to follow that Truth only to have others question your motives? Tell you what you are doing is wrong or selfish? Have you listened to very well intentioned loves ones preach what I shared in the first paragraph only to doubt it when you try living that way? It’s so damn confusing. If so many people believe the kingdom of God is inside, then why aren’t they living it? Why do they question those brave enough to try?

Be brave anyway. Your path isn’t to shy away from your Truth because it causes waves. Your path is to create those waves so that when they settle, you can show others the Way. Be bold for them. Selflessly create the life you were meant to live and show others they must too.

I have struggled with how to end this post. I feel like I am having a moment where I feel an emotion I can’t describe. I just tried describing it to my sister and she told me I probably shouldn’t share. But, well, I guess it is time for me to be bold. 

This message has flown through my fingers and the feeling it has evoked in me is a loving anger. I guess that is the best way to describe it. Like I want to shove this message down your throats because I believe in the amazing gift that you are, but I would do it in the most loving way possible. It’s like those times when you know your loved one is ridiculously amazing yet all you hear from them is how terrible/imperfect/unloving they are. You want to shake them and scream and make them understand how perfect they are to you. That. That is how I feel about you.


Stay strong or move on?

How do you know? How do you know when it is time to stay where you are at – miserable and ready for change – or move on? I have always chosen to move on. Sure, I would stay for awhile in that miserable state, but eventually I would leave “knowing” it was the right thing to do. Not sure if quotes were the right thing there, but I chose them because I was SURE in my heart every time that leaving was the right thing even though looking back I see that there were other options. I can see clearly now (Ha, got that stuck in your head now, don’t I?) that the miserable feelings were due to some unTruth I was feeling in my soul. Sure, leaving is one option. The easiest option. 

Now, mind you, I am not just talking about relationships. Personally this has held true for me probably more with my jobs than anything else. What I wasn’t doing everytime I left was looking inside to  ask the questions of why I was so miserable, what lesson could I learn from staying, how could I be happy despite the present situation? I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that I wasn’t ready to ask these questions before now.

So, I have spent this last year trying to quit my job (twice) and failing. Perhaps it was time to ask the questions. So, I did. I asked and I meditated and I consulted friends and I consulted my intuitive healer. The answers were elusive. How frickin frustrating! Or were they? I kept hearing; have faith, trust in yourself, have gratitude, listen to your inner self, own your power. Well, great, but all those things appeared to lead me to the answer that I have always done, I needed to leave my job! Yet, somewhere deep inside, I knew that answer wasn’t right this time. GAH! What do I do??

Finally, I surrendered. I accepted that the lesson I was meant to learn in this current job hadn’t quite sunk in yet. I was too trapped in my thought processes of wanting to control the situation and ‘trying’ to figure out my lesson. I let it all go. I wish I could tell you how. It wasn’t anything I did. It was simply surrender. That was this past weekend. In that time, I learned. I learned that I am not lazy, just wanting a cushy job where I don’t have responsiblities. I would work my a** off for 60+ hours a week if the job I was at held meaning for me. This one doesn’t. I also learned that I continue to choose jobs that don’t hold meaning for me because I don’t have a college degree or any sort of creditation that gives me perceived value. I kept choosing jobs I was good at because I believed that was the only way someone  would be willing to pay me. I believed that trying to find a job that held meaning for me would either mean; I would be jobless and penniless or I would have to accept minimal pay and I would be penniless. Woah.

Yesterday, I quit my job for the 3rd time. This time it stuck. I gave a month notice because I can and that felt right. But I know that starting now, it’s time to pursue what matters to me. To have faith that it will work out. To trust that I have made and am making the right decisions. To be grateful for the many lessons I have learned in my current job. To take those lessons with me wherever I go. And, perhaps share them with you along the way.


Things I am grateful for

Because today I need to remember. 

Comfy (not pretty) clothes


Watching my boys play their sports


Dress up!


Indoor forts (that can be used even without kids)



Animals, especially large ones and wild ones


Don Miguel Ruiz

And you my dear friends. {HUG}

Life in the Gray Area

Why does life have to be so multilayered? It would be so much easier if it were black/white, wrong/right. I have tended to live in the relative safety of those extremes and am being challenged to live in between. To be in the gray with grace and compassion. That is really freaking tough. 

When I feel wronged, I just want to shout, “No! Don’t you see? Aren’t you aware of how you hurt me?” Grace and mercy ask us to sit with those questions and say, “Can I see another way? Was I in fact that one who harmed?” They ask us to acknowledge our Truth and follow it’s lead with compassion for ourselves as well as others. 

I don’t know about you, but my Ego makes me shake during these times. I hear, “no, no, no. You have to make them see.” So, when I acknowledge my Truth and seek other’s advice which inevitably causes me to see another side to the situation my body literally begins to shake because I do not want to hear it. I want someone to validate my feelings not submerse me in to the gray area.

Yet, here I stand. In the gray. It’s really, really uncomfortable. At times I feel like I will throw up, other times I just want to go to sleep. Instead, I am trying to practice compassion for myself. I am asking for God’s grace. I am settling into my Truth as I try to understand what that means. The door to my heart keeps opening and closing and I know that it is only through this gray area can I learn to prop it open and invite the fullness of life in.


Being patient (nope, nuh uh, not for me)

To those in the know this doesn’t come as a surprise, but I don’t like my job. Like, at all. Like, I have already quit twice yet I am still there. Yeah, you read that right. I don’t know who’s more of a glutton for punishment, me or my boss. There’s nothing inherently wrong with the job and there is actually a ton of things I have to be grateful for. Lots of flexibility, lots of freedom, good pay and did I mention flexibility? It just doesn’t resonate with my soul. And, when something doesn’t resonate with my soul, I want out. Like, now. The first time I quit was a year ago. Then, the job changed because I asked for what I felt I was worth and got it. The second time I quit was about 4 months ago. I thought it might change because I was told it would…ha ha. Then I realized maybe it was me.

So, I tried. I even got confirmation from my intuitive healer that there was clearly a lesson in this for me and to be patient and work on making the situation work for me. I have meditated, practiced gratitude, vented to hubby and friends and family. Everytime I feel like I have overcome and learned the lesson I was meant to learn something happens and I am thrown back in to feeling like I need out. NOW. 

Yet everywhere I turn I keep hearing the same message. Be patient. Be still. Have faith. This past week as I was coming to my wits end I pulled these messages from my Animal Spirit Guide Oracle Cards (they are sooooo much fun!)  

And this is what hubby gets:

Really? UGH! Worse part is I thought I actually had a plan in place; an out, when the program I signed up for next weekend to become a certified Healing Touch for Animals practitioner got moved to April. APRIL!

So, went to book study last night and this is one of the lines that was highlighted in the book: “As we remain receptive within, feeling (not thinking), retranslating untruth to Truth and Waiting on God, giving up effort, Divinity will unfold and reveal itself to us by and by…” from The Infinite Way by Joel S Goldsmith. Again, faith and patience. 

I hear you life. I hear you. I don’t like what you have to say, but I hear you. 

Last week I ordered the book Letting Go: The Pathway to Surrender. I am impatiently waiting on it. I’ll let you know how that goes.


6 Steps To Take When Taking Steps Seems Pointless

When you reach that point (and you will reach that point) when taking steps to better yourself seems fruitless, pointless, redundant, a waste of time; unless you have already achieved enlightenment (which I doubt if you find youself here), it’s time to dig in. I get it. It seems like everything you have read says the same thing but in different words, we already have all the answers within us. Great, so what are we looking outwards for? Don’t we just get to that point where we can sit in stillness with ourselves and receive the answers we are looking for? I mean, it’s already there. Why do I need to read another book, watch another TED talk, or *ugh* follow another blog post with steps on how to better myself? 
Because with each book, TED talk and blog post we receive another message that brings us to hearing our Truth from within with clarity. Because with each message we open ourselves to receiving the Truth we are meant to hear, not the one we think we want. Because with each message we are one step closer to understanding our Truth within and bringing us to the moment when maybe we will be able to say, no more books, no more TED talks, no more blog posts; I am in TRUTH. Maybe. 

So, here are 6 steps to take when you feel as though you no longer need the outward messages, because right now your Truth is reminding you that you do.

1. Go to your favorite inspirational/spiritual blog and read the first post that catches your eye. I guarantee it will be a message custom made for you. 

2. Pick up your favorite inspirational/spiritual book, open to a random page and read it. I guarantee it will be a message custom made for you. (My favorites are A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle and The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz)

3. Step outside, take your shoes off and ground yourself. Nature has a funny way of working with you to help you hear the messages inside. (Are you seeing the theme here?)

4. Call a friend. Don’t talk. Just listen. Can you hear the message?

5. Pick up a new inspirational/spiritual book. Even if the book doesn’t speak to you, just taking away one thing from the book peels another layer back as your soul assists you in hearing your Truth.

6. Have faith. Rest in the knowledge that you do have all the answers within and that you are constantly being guided to the outward messages that will help reveal your Truth to you.

Most importantly, never stop. You are a gift to this world and we need you. 


What does this have to do with hugs?

I have been thinking back and reflecting on my most recent posts. I have come a long way from hugging people daily and writing about it. I often get asked, “Are you still hugging?” And, just the other day I found myself taking the bumper sticker off my car because it was rippped and faded. Am I still hugging?

Instinct tells me to immediately scream yes! Because I am. I hug people hello and goodbye regularly now. But, I have my moments now when even I get surprised by a hug someone gives me. Case in point – I went to that seminar last week. I knew I had met one of the girls speaking because she was a friend of a friend. But, I didn’t know if she remembered me. When I saw her she gave me a huge smile and instantly wrapped me in an enormous bear hug. I was completely taken aback in all of the best ways. I even exclaimed, “Oh, yeah, we are hugging.” It was awesome but boy did that get me thinking. Why was I so shocked by that? Wasn’t that supposed to be me behaving that way? Shouldn’t I have been the one to initiate the hug or at least not be surprised by it?

Oh those should’s. They are a killer. They make us feel like we aren’t enough. But, we are. We are enough. I had a reaction. And that was a good thing. It made me think. It made me reevaluate where I am in life and with my hugs. Am I hugging as much as I would like? Am I remaining open to love from others? Have I closed down my heart once again? Or, maybe at least a part of it? 

I know what I want out of life. I want to remain completely open. I want there to be no blocks around my heart. I want to live life fully and completely, acknowledging every hurt, experiencing every moment of joy, reveling in failure and rejoicing in success. I accept that I am not there yet. But, with every experience that gives me pause to make me wonder how far off I am from living life to the fullest I know I am that much closer. So, thank you. Thank you to you N. Your amazing, wonderful, vulnerable spirit is a gift to me and inspires me to be that gift to someone else. 



My oldest son is 8 and recently (usually on the way home from school) he began a rather humorous behavior. When I would ask him about his day, or try to engage him in conversation he would go limp and say, “malfunction”. Deadpanned. No smile. Nothing. The first time he did it I started to laugh thinking it was very clever then began to worry because he stayed that way. When he began to smile I nearly lost it. I was hysterical. I thought it was the funniest, cleverest thing ever. Now, whenever he doesn’t feel like engaging, he malfunctions. 

Last night hubby and I were watching the movie Aloha. It was cute. I enjoyed it. So, when it was over hubby tried engaging me asking if I liked it and what I thought. I had no words to share and I wasn’t sure why. I told him I needed to process it. This was after having told him before the movie started that I was in the middle of processing some other stuff in my life. His response? “You sure do process a lot.” Well, duh. I laughed and said, “I know! You would too if you had all this chaos happening in your brain at all times. It’s complete madness in there.” Hubby just looked at me with a huge smile and said, “Cooper can explain in one gesture what it has taken you years to realize and communicate to me.” I completely lost it. He was right. Malfunction is the only way to describe what it takes for me to process the junk in my head. I couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard, yet at the same time crying because it was my Truth.

So, if you ever see me in this state:

   I’ve temporarily malfunctioned and will be returning to a better version of myself shortly. Thank you Cooper for the gift of Truth.