What Brings You Joy?

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

What brings you joy? I mean true joy. Not the kind of joy you might feel participating in something that others told you you would enjoy. I mean the kind of joy that is yours and yours alone. The kind of joy that makes others look at you sideways and wonder how you ended up so crazy.

Sometimes it is that joy that brings us to our life’s purpose. At least, that is what I am hoping for. I have been finding new joys in my own life lately. It started with a new 30 day challenge. I meditate outside every day for at least 10-20 minutes. Usually it is at 6AM when the birds are singing their love songs and the breeze feels like a cool welcome to the day. That brings me joy. It reminds me that I am one with the world just as it is one with me.

This clears my mind which helps me to be present in the moment throughout the rest of the day. This has really helped to clarify what brings me joy and I have been pleasantly surprised. For well, 6 years now I have held on to the belief that having children meant I give up my identity to become “MOM”. This belief has caused me to look forward to a future where I can get back to me and find my true life’s purpose. At the same time I have tried living in the moment to enjoy the time with my kids while they are young. This really doesn’t work. I mean if I am thinking in the back of my mind that my kids are holding me back, how can I possibly ever be completely present with them without at least slightly resenting the fact that they are holding me back? So, I asked myself the hard question. Do I want to be home with my kids or do I want to be out there working on my life’s purpose? Giving myself the freedom to acknowledge and make that conscious choice freed me. It turns out that my life’s purpose is being a stay at home mom!

For now. We are ever evolving and our circumstances are constantly changing. I will not always be the stay at home mom. I do not have to give up looking for my life’s purpose while being a stay at home mom. It just means that my focus and attention is on being the best stay at home mom I can be. And, my kids have thrived since this decision was made. I am much more relaxed with my parenting abilities. This relaxes them and they use much better behaviors. I mean, they don’t have to act out for my attention anymore. I guess this is why I haven’t been blogging as often. And you know what? I am ok with that.

Being a mom is my joy. Being a barefoot, braless, meditating hippie is my joy. Having morning dance parties with my kids is my joy. So You Think You Can Dance is my joy. Knowing my limitations and acting on them even if it means giving up a beloved pet or not attending a baseball game with my hubby and kids is my joy. Living free is my joy. What is yours?

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

A lifetime of learning experiences

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

Just when I think I am so carefree I get reminded that as with most things in life it is going to be a constant challenge to live authentically without worry what others think of my decisions and actions. I didn’t learn to worry about what others thought of me overnight and I won’t stop caring overnight. I am learning that with each challenge I get one more opportunity to grow and become freer from these thoughts.

Last month I experienced some physical challenges related to my Multiple Sclerosis. This began my ritual that I go to when “handling” health challenges, anxiety. It’s not a good ritual to go to, but it’s the only one I have ever known. I am getting better and quicker at overcoming it, but I spend far too long living with it before realizing I need to do something about it. It took almost a month of not sleeping and wondering why I wasn’t finding joy in everyday life before I realized I had a problem. I never even got the chance to attempt to overcome it when I watched my oldest son have an episode. I am still not sure if he fainted or had a seizure, but all of a sudden I was thrust in to a deeper, darker anxiety than I have known in a very long time. Hubby and I are taking all of the right steps, he had an EEG yesterday and will have an MRI tomorrow. The pediatrician and neurologist have both made it clear that they are not concerned it is anything serious because of his quick and full recovery.

That’s great. My logical brain registers this. My logical brain also registers my anxiety attacks and believes that they are ridiculous. My logical brain has been telling me I am being dramatic and that I know all of the right tools to look at the positives and to be grateful for those. My logical brain is clearly not in charge.

My emotional heart has been telling me to stop thinking all of those horrible thoughts about what could happen to my son. It has been focusing on all the ways my body is failing me. It has been focusing on the pains in my chest and the lightheadedness I feel during the anxiety attacks. While my logical brain has been telling me these are anxiety driven my emotional heart has been screaming, “you don’t know. you don’t know what it could really be.” My emotional heart has kept me up at night and kept me from sharing my fears with my hubby or my friends because that would be too painful. Besides, what would they think? They may tell me I am being irrational (my logical brain would agree). They may tell me to stop thinking that way (I am trying). They may say, “you really think you have it that bad? other mom’s are dealing with so much worse.”

I am an emotional person. As hubby tells me time and again it is one of the reasons he loves me so much. It compliments his analytical self. When I don’t allow myself to be vulnerable by expressing my emotional fears with others I am denying the very essence of who I am. As I have learned, denying myself causes me actual physical pain.

Fortunately my desire to find joy again is stronger than my fear of being vulnerable. I cried to hubby, I cried to my friends. Do you know what they said? “of course you feel this way, this is your son.” “what can I do to help?” “I just want to be here for you.” So, I cried some more. I expressed my fears especially the deep rooted one that must never be said, “What if he dies?” Expressing that created more tears than I have cried in a long time, but it didn’t kill me. Instead I was able to get a good night sleep. Finally. In the morning, the anxiety was still there but not as strong. I saw a trail through the fog. The trail led me to exercises I have used in the past to rid my anxiety, but forgot about in the chaos of experiencing it.

The best part about allowing myself to be vulnerable is that I have hugged and received hugs. They are like a lifesaver in a sea of disjointed thoughts. Have I learned to be carefree and allow all of me to be vulnerable all of the time? Not likely. But, I will practice, practice, practice.

In the meantime, please hold my son in your thoughts. I expect that everything will be fine as the doctors have suggested, but the more healthy, positive thoughts sent our way the better off I know we will be.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

 

New Direction

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , , ,

So, those of you that know me know that I keep one, two or maybe a dozen different blogs. I have many that I have started and barely wrote on. See, I thought I needed to keep all of the pieces of me separate. I thought, well, to attract followers I need to have a theme to my blog. So, I started one for hugs, one for photography, one for 30 day challenges, I am sure you see where I am going with that. I have just spent far too much time in my life worrying about what others think of me/my ideas/my thoughts/my actions. I just didn’t realize the extent to which I worried.

Almost one month ago I started a new 30 day challenge. I decided not to wear a bra anymore. Silly, huh? I thought so too. I didn’t really think much would come of it, I just thought, “Woah, this is totally going outside of my comfort zone but it might be fun to embrace my inner hippie.” And, the first few days were just that, fun! I laughed at myself every time I thought of the fact that my girls were swinging free. Then, the craziest thing happened. I began questioning decisions I was making. Was I making them because I wanted to or because it was something expected of me? They were such simple decisions that I never even knew I was consciously making them. For example, I sit at carpool for 30 minutes waiting for my oldest while my youngest sleeps. During that time I have always wanted to just get out of the car and sit in the grass while I was waiting. I never did because well, what would the other moms think? During this last month, when I heard that question bounce around in my head I remembered I wasn’t wearing a bra, laughed at my freedom and went ahead and sat in that grass. Not wearing a bra freed me from caring what others thought and let my own light shine.

I hear other women constantly tell me, “Oh, I could never do that.” All I want to do is shout at the top of my lungs, “FREE YOURSELF!” Maybe it’s not the bra holding you back. Maybe it’s something else, but we all have that invisible bond that we may not even be aware is there. Find it. Break it. Free yourself.

From this point on, I will have one blog. The theme? Well, it will be me.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

Inevitable Life

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , ,

Life is constantly shifting and changing. Isn’t that what makes it so exciting? And terrifying, and beautiful, and maddening? Some things are out of our control and we have to shift our life to accommodate these changes. Some things are ours to create in exactly the way we choose. I have a quote on my bathroom mirror that reads, “Life is a combination of freedom and destiny. The beauty is you don’t know which is which.”

In this vein we can have grandiose ideas of what direction we want life to go. It is necessary to have dreams and goals of what we want out of life. Without these we have nothing to work toward. Life is directionless and that is exactly where you will go. Nowhere. But, even with direction, something out of our control will derail us off of our path. It’s inevitable. It’s life. It’s what you choose to do with that derailment that ultimately dictates the type of life you live. Will you choose to fight that change or open it with welcome arms?

When we fight the change it drags us down and slows our progress in life. It’s like wearing a heavy weighted vest and wondering why everyday simple chores have all of a sudden become increasingly hard if not impossible to complete. We begin to question our abilities, our motives, even our self worth. We begin to think that perhaps we were on the wrong path all along and it becomes so difficult we wonder if perhaps it is time to give up. We begin to head down the path of the directionless on a train to nowhere.

When we welcome inevitable changes with open arms we stop looking at them as obstacles. They become a growth experience. Funny thing is, the best thing we can do when they happen is to take a step back from our goals. Sounds counterproductive, yes? But, in reality it is the most productive thing we can do. It will be a momentary stop on the path of our life. In that moment we can see with clarity that we are still willing and able to accomplish that which we set out to do. We know our motives our pure and preserve the knowledge that we are worthy. In time we will see how we may need to adjust our goal to accommodate this new change. And, in the natural order of things, life will assist us in our new direction. No pushing, pulling or heavy weighted vest dragging us down. This is when we see the true beauty of life. This is when we realize that it is not the goal or dream that ever really mattered to begin with. It is the memories that were created along the way. The most incredible memories are the ones surrounding that which was always destined to be.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

 

Peace, Playfulness and Love

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , , , ,

0 New Hugs

Sometimes our kids can teach us so much about life. Especially the way they listen to what their bodies tell them, I mean really listen. If they are not feeling well, they stop. They lay down wherever they are. If they don’t feel like eating, they don’t. DSC_0003

If they feel the need for warmth and security, they seek it out. That part is my favorite. Yesterday morning he asked me to cuddle him in bed where he proceeded to tell me, “Mommy, I love your eyes.” “Mommy, I love your face.” All while he was stroking my face and hair, gently touching my nose, cheeks, eyes, and ears. I wrapped my arm around him while he did this and we both peacefully drifted off to sleep. These are the moments that will be held in a special place in my heart to remind me that life is soooo good.

I wish I could make him feel better, but I also am in awe watching him allow his body to heal itself. He has been throwing up, barely eating and yet he never complains. He just sits quietly, patiently waiting for this virus to run its course.

I am taking this opportunity to learn a little about slowing down. Rather than rush to get things down while he quietly waits for his body to heal, I sit with him. Rather than rushing to do things while he sleeps, I find quiet moments for myself. And this morning, rather than heading out to run the errands I know must be done, I spent the time capturing this all too special morning of peace, playfulness and love.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

Not To Toot My Own Horn, But…

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , ,

6 New Hugs (6 hugs at Eye Care Center)

Ok, so I had this great opportunity and I took it. I was at my annual eye exam and noticed a copy of the Reader’s Digest that I happened to be in back in December. Now, not to toot my own horn but…

I knew it might get me a lot of hugs. And, well, I was right. I showed the nurse where I was in the magazine. She kept asking if I was for real. I told her I was. She then brought the magazine out of the room and I didn’t see her again until the end of my exam. As I went to check out I noticed her and another employee reading it. I said, “Now, you know that means I get a hug from you both.” The nurse laughed at me and stated in a very obvious tone, “Well, yeah!” As I gave them both hugs the 2nd employee said, “oh, I love hugs.” I laughed and said, “well, clearly so do I!”

I then proceeded to make sure everyone I saw got a hug. What a glorious way to start my day.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

Love and Anger

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , ,

1 New Hug (1 Kroger employee)

See these photos? The first is evidence that I broke one of our kitchen drawers and am currently working on fixing it. The second is a hole I made in my wall. I would love to say that they were accidents, but I shamefully admit I damaged my house out of anger.

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A year ago, no a month ago, heck, a few days ago I could never have admitted to having this kind of rage. I mean, even to me it feels so uncharacteristic. So, what have I done? I have ignored it. Passed it off as being hormonal rather than acknowledge that I have a temper. Albeit a rare temper, but a temper that rears its ugly head nonetheless. Rather than try to determine if there are certain factors that trigger this temper I ignore that it ever even happened. I mean acknowledging it makes me feel so bad. Mean, ugly, abnormal. No one else breaks things in their house, do they? Acknowledging it means that maybe there is something wrong with me.

The first step is admitting there is a problem, right? Today I realized, I have a problem. I do not know how to deal with my anger when it escalates beyond a certain point. I realize that I am probably more normal than not, but in the heat of the moment it just feels so bad, wrong, evil. Although you might think there would be, there is absolutely no satisfaction in the actual slamming of the door, drawer or what ever else is being slammed. All I feel is guilt and shame.

Today was different because I recognized that my 3 year old has trouble expressing himself when he has too much energy (say from anger). He often lashes out by hitting, kicking, even biting. How am I supposed to teach him where to express that energy when I have difficulty with that myself?

In these moments I feel as though I don’t deserve love. I don’t deserve the goodness that life has bestowed upon me. The drawer incident happened after putting my 3 year old in time out because he was hitting me. I felt worthless as a mom. I felt like a failure. I saw an open drawer and I kicked it. Apparently hard. Fortunately 3 yr old didn’t see that part, but I am sure he heard it. And still, at the grocery store, he stopped me and said, “Mom, I need a hug. I love you.”

It was just what I needed. Up until that point I had not given anyone a hug. Not even those that I would normally give a hug to. In his 3 yr old innocence he recognized something that at times I still struggle to see is always there in myself. Love. No matter what I do, I always have love. I may feel anger, but beneath that is love. Even at times when it feels as though it has left me, the love remains. He saw it and in that moment I remembered.

When it came time to pay for my groceries I struck a pleasant conversation with the girl that was bagging my groceries. After a few moments I realized that she had the mentality of a sweet, innocent child. Before I walked away I asked her for a hug. She smiled oh so sweetly at me and agreed to give me one. As I left I noticed her keep looking back at me, the smile never leaving her face.

That. That is who I am. But the damage to my house? That is who I am too. Beginning today, I acknowledge it. I accept it. I don’t have to like it, but now I am empowered to do something about it.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

 

Living In The Moment?

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , ,

2 New Hugs (1 Rooms To Go employee, 1 Swim N Sport employee)

For the past week I have found myself in very unfamiliar territory. I would like to say I am content, but I don’t know if that is the right word. In case you haven’t noticed (like, if you are new here and this is your first post…) I am a very emotional person. I feel very strongly in all situations. Whether I am happy or sad, I feel those emotions strongly. That is why I am not sure if content is the right word. I have been content before, but normally I feel strongly content. Does that even make sense? I guess the best way to describe it would be that I would feel so content I could just sigh and sigh and sigh. It would become very apparent to anyone around me that I was content.

This past week I have been living in the moment, at least that is what I think I have been doing. I am exhausted from training to do my push ups on Saturday (30 day challenge). I am going through the motions of keeping the house clean (well, my version of clean anyway). I am enjoying time with my kids and lately with my mother in law as well. (I happen to be one of those lucky few who loves my MIL) Normally my mind would be wandering in a thousand different places as I go through the motions. Each place my mind would wander I would find some strong emotion. Anxiety over things I need to do, happiness over things to come, sadness over things past. Yet, I find that after each motion I look back and am astonished that my  mind was exactly on that one thing. From what I understand, that is living in the moment. During those moments I don’t feel anything very strongly. I just am.

Funny thing is, I am not sure I like it. I love my emotions. I love feeling. That is what makes me feel alive. That is what makes me me. No, I don’t love my mind wandering in a thousand different directions, but maybe just a few hundred? Perhaps it takes losing a part of yourself to understand just how much you love that part.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

Endorphins Make Me Happy

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , , ,

1 New Hug (1 employee at Harris Teeter)

I have been working my body so hard with my push up challenge (read about it here.) that I am almost too exhausted to do anything else. Almost. (Except for my hugs, I am never too exhausted for those.)

I suppose it was only natural that after growing so much over the past two years both spiritually and mentally that I would physically want to improve myself as well. But, until you actually attempt it, you don’t realize just how hard it will be. I am not talking about a general “oh I want to exercise 3 times a week for 45 minutes” kind of improvement. I am talking “I want to be physically stronger than I have ever been” kind of improvement. It involves breaking down muscle to build it back up. It hurts. It’s exhausting. I always wonder how I am going to ever tackle the next day of exercise.

21 days later though, I am seeing the other side. Holy crap, I can do REAL push ups. Manly push ups. And, I did 180 sit ups tonight. Not in a row, but 30 at a time. Not only am I already significantly stronger than when I started, there are other side effects too. Did you know that? Of course you did. But, probably like me you think, “oh I know that it will do that for me.” But it DOES. Do you hear me??!! It really does cause me to sleep sooooo much better. I feel more beautiful. I eat healthier because I am aware of my body. I have more confidence and I am just so darn happy. It reminds me of a quote from Legally Blonde.

“I just don’t think that Brooke could’ve done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.” quote from IMDB.

Well, at least my hubby should know he is safe.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

I Am Not A Weathergirl

Posted by Melinda in HUGS and tagged with , , , , , ,

8 New Hugs (2 employees at Lowe’s Foods, 6 new UCT friends)

I just finished sharing with my family up north how excited I was that I believed our North Carolina winter was over. We had been having such warms days and I just didn’t see that changing. Oh how wrong I was. We had a delightful (sarcasm) snow storm on Saturday. Lucky for me (more sarcasm) I put off going to the grocery store until Saturday morning. What a madhouse! The lines were so long that every single one of them extended in to the aisles of food making it so difficult to shop.

I was pleasantly surprised to find that people were in great moods. Everyone was polite, kind and well mannered. For that I was so grateful because that certainly did not reflect my own mood. I apparently have been pushing my body too hard with a push up challenge I am working on so I was a little cranky. By the time I got to the check out, even though I was in danger of running late for an appointment, I found myself with my spirits lifted and couldn’t wait to offer a couple of hugs to the employees that had to work during this madness. I headed to my appointment in a completely different mood. Amazing what a little kindness and a few hugs can do.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.