I want my freedom!

What does it mean to be free? I have recently been challenged with this question. I talk all the time about wanting to spread my wings and fly, yet at the same time, I want to buy a zoo. And, as a wise friend said, “that doesn’t sound like freedom, that sounds like a whole lot of responsiblity.” That got me thinking a lot about what freedom means.

I believe the definition of feeling free is different for everyone, yet it all comes down to living your truth. Living from that space of knowing that every decision that is made and every moment that is lived is done so from a place of truth. Your truth. The one that says, “yes. this is perfection. this is how I want to spend this moment.” Even during the tough times.

Buying a zoo really is a metaphor for me. My truth lies within time spent with animals. I have realized that I want to create something big and grand, like a zoo and have it be filled with animals in some capacity. Ok, maybe not a metaphor, but an actual zoo. Oh, sometimes I crack myself up. The reason it feels free to me is because I know that every moment will be spent living my truth. I will be helping animals (I am really interested in creating a rescue sanctuary) and also teaching in some capacity which is also a truth of mine. A way of living that I would feel fulfilled and honored to be doing. My service to the world. 

Although most people would consider that type of environment a trapping one because it would be very difficult to travel and explore the world, I would find it freeing. Because every single day I would be surrounded by everything that I love. What better freedom is there?

{HUG}

See Me

I awoke so many times during the night last night. I may have had dreams, but I don’t remember them. All I remember is that every single time I woke up these words were raging through my head. “See me.” “I want you to be a witness to me.” That seems pretty profound to me. I am not quite sure where it is coming from. I feel as though I am being truer to myself than ever and I have surrounded myself with people who do see me. They give me loving space to witness all my greatness/lack/beauty/darkness. 

Is it me? Do I still not see me? Am I not witnessing my own journey? I have fallen in to this pattern of not growing after a year of major change. Perhaps it’s time to sit with myself and behold the beauty I have created all around. To acknowledge and love it all, even the not so pretty parts. Would it even be possible to continue to grow without doing that?

I think I think too much. 

{HUG}

Alexithymia

  

I watched We Bought a Zoo last night. That movie. It gets to me. Hubby had gone out to his own movie with a friend last night so I watched this on my own. It was the second time I had seen it and I had the same reaction. Uncontrollable sobbing. 

If you have ever seen the movie, you may be asking the same question that hubby asked when he got home. “why?” Why the tears? What was I feeling? What was it about that movie that made me feel that way? After a very long pause I gave him answers. Answers that he might be able to understand but that I knew were’t the complete truth. 

The complete truth is described in that word above. 

{HUG}

Alexithymia

  

I watched We Bought a Zoo last night. That movie. It gets to me. Hubby had gone out to his own movie with a friend last night so I watched this on my own. It was the second time I had seen it and I had the same reaction. Uncontrollable sobbing. 

If you have ever seen the movie, you may be asking the same question that hubby asked when he got home. “why?” Why the tears? What was I feeling? What was it about that movie that made me feel that way? After a very long pause I gave him answers. Answers that he might be able to understand but that I knew were’t the complete truth. 

The complete truth is described in that word above. 

{HUG}

Are you afraid of the dark

I am. I am afraid of my own dark. We all have it. That side of us that we are ashamed of and embarrassed by. Some of you are more willing to see your own darkness. More willing to embrace it and accept it as a part of yourself. Me? Not so much. I shun it. I tuck it away in to the crevices of my being hoping that no one will ever notice it’s there. Not even me. Crazy enough, it actually worked there for awhile.

I hid my darkness so well that even I don’t know the real me yet. Not fully. I mean, I know who I am when my light is shining. I know who I am when I am feeling virtuous. I even know who I am during not so bright moments as long as I feel I am still upholding the kind, loving Melinda. 

Then, I was called out. It was brought to my attention that I have a dark side. Now, you might be saying, Duh, how could you not know you have one? Everyone does. I think maybe I knew it was there, but I just couldn’t acknowledge it. That meant that I would have to sit with it. Feel it. Listen to it and acknowledge it. But, what if it was mean? What if it was jealous? What if it was gossipy or selfish? No, that couldn’t be right. Those things aren’t me.

Right. Because I am superhuman. Obviously. I mean, only a superhuman would never feel those things. Would never think those things. That is the only explanation. Except, not really. Because I am human. Regular human. So, I am beginning to sit with my dark side. It is so f’ing uncomfortable that lately I have gotten super angry at nothing…often. I cry…often. I deny, deny, deny. My walls have come back up around my heart and I want to shout to the world, “NO! No, I am not those things! I don’t have a dark side!!” 

But, in order to have a light side, there must be a dark side. A yin to your yang. (Well, that didn’t come out quite like I expected) The secret is in the balance. I can be light while acknowledging the dark. I can find outlets for my dark, in a scary movie, through art, while writing or just screaming at the top of my lungs out in the wilderness (I have yet to try that one, but I bet it’s cathartic).

So, here is to acknowledging my dark, embracing all of me, and believing that so long as I am always living from my truth I can never be anything but virtuous, no matter what my human self might be experiencing.

{HUG}

Love takes hold

I believe. I believe in kindness, love and most of all magic. I believe that love is magical, with the capability of fixing all. I belive that kindness is a gateway to love. And, I accept that it is possible to believe yet still struggle with the day to day aspects of living a human existence.

Fear is the opposite of love. It is a place we humans reside in comfortably. It leads us in to this false reality of “safety”. As long as we remain fearful, then we can protect ourselves from the invitable hurts of life. But are we really protecting ourselves? We think of it as a protection because we replay those worst case scenarios over and over again until we know how we will handle a potential hurt. It doesn’t ever work that way, so at what point do we stop and say, “no more fear. I will not live my life from that place anymore.” I mean, even when we attempt it, we are bombarded with well intentioned loved ones reminding us, “but what if…, aren’t you aware of…, how will you be prepared if … happens?” 

Love transcends fear. It says, “I am afraid, but I have faith that it will all work out. My track record has proven that so far.” When we can learn to live from an open heart we experience the full breadth that life has to offer. No opportunity passes us by. Every moment is joyous and beautiful even if it’s not what we would have chosen for that moment. 

Yes, living from an open heart can be fearful in itself. It is frightening to open our heart to life knowing that we will fully experience everything life throws our way, the joy and the hurt. It is acknowledging that we choose to feel the hurt fully with every ounce of our being. While at the same time knowing that the lightness and freedom of joy is just around the corner and we get the pleasure of fully experiencing that as well. 

I am no expert. I am still learning. The fear is strong in this one. Yet, each day I surround myself with more and more people who are showing me the way to openheartedness. Each time I feel myself open to living from that space of love I know that there becomes less and less room for fear. Love is taking hold.

May love take hold of you. {HUG}

Blooming Late

Is it just me or does everyone get fuzzy every once in a  all the time about the direction they want to head in and the goals they have? I want to be a writer, no, I want to be an artist. I want to hold a good paying job, no I want to be my own boss. I want to be fit, no I just want to lay around on the couch and obsess over pinterest. Sigh. Then, when I make a decision… I went through a phase of wanting to be a realtor (SOOOOO not for me.), if I don’t follow through I feel like a failure or someone that is just flitting through life being very wishy washy. 

But, the older I get the more I stand up against this feeling. So what? So what if I am flitting through  life? I am trying things, experimenting with what I might like to do. Sometimes I only get so far as feeling the words on my tongue, passing through my lips and by the time they reach the air the desire has faded. Othertimes, I get so far as to research, buy books or other materials, even begin the idea only to decide it’s time to flit along to the next one. 

Sure, here I am on the very edge of turning 40 still feeling as though I am an incredibly late bloomer, but hey some of the best are, Colonel Sanders – founded KFC at the age of 65, Morgan Freeman – only became the star we know after the age of 52, Mark Twain – wrote Huckleberry Finn at age 49, Van Gogh – never painted until he was 27, Vera Want – wedding dress designer that never designed any clothes until the age of 39, Martha Stewart – home decorator never practiced her art until age 35, and quite possibly my favorite Fauja Singh – marathon runner didn’t start until he was 89!!

These people are so inspiring to me that I follow this great blog called Debra Eve’s Later Bloomer where I get to learn about these late bloomers often. When I am feeling lost and down because it feels like everybody is surpassing me with achieving their goals and aspirations, I return to the stories of these ‘later bloomers’ and realize I am one. I have enjoyed and am grateful for the successes I have achieved, but my greatness is yet to come…

{HUG}

August to October 2014

At this time last year, I was seriously contemplating life. And not in the good way. Where was my life going? How had I gotten where I was? Why was I so unhappy? How could I find that happiness again? It seemed that no matter what I tried, meditation, reading uplifting stories, looking to spiritual mentors, trying to find the joy in the simple life of a mother and wife, nothing was working. Was I depressed? Was I bipolar? (I had my moments of sheer joy) Was it an illness? Was it the MS? Was it the foods I was eating? Every question I asked seemed to point to one thing…I was broken. 

How could I possibly find that joy again? How long would it take? How hard would it be and would I lose loved ones along the way? How would I even know where to begin, and once I did, how would I know the right path to choose? 

I knew the age of 40 was looming. I wanted to be the person that I knew I could be when that day finally came. I wanted that to be my birthday gift to myself. I knew I had it in me. So, I began with a job. A difficult decision to be sure because I always thought that I wanted to remain home with my children until they started school. My youngest still had a year left before kindergarten. How would this work? Would he be upset that he didn’t get the same time with me that my oldest had? Would I be upset feeling like a failure to my family? I found a job that gave me lots of flexbility so that I could at least still pick both kids up from school and spend the afternoon with them. Whew, at least I had that. Until a couple months in when I learned that the job was way more demanding and difficult than I originally anticipated. I recognized that it was a position that really demanded a full time person in the office. So, in a relatively short time span another difficult decision was to be made. Do I work full time and sacrifice more time away from my kids or allow my boss to find someone else more suited for the position? 

I really liked the job. I had my moments without a doubt, but all in all, it made me feel good. I felt needed, smart, capable and like a grown up that wasn’t ‘just a mom’. I had another identity and my soul yearned for it. I couldn’t quit now. In the meantime another factor was playing in to it all. I felt myself pulling away from my marriage. I felt our relationship crumbling around me. We had spent almost all 12 years of marriage working on it in some form or another and I was tired. Truth be told, I needed this job in more ways than one.

In what felt like the blink of an eye, I found myself working full time, separating from my husband and floundering in a world that I no longer understood. The one thing I knew was that I felt as though whatever had been weighing me down for so long was finally lifted. It was the most awful, wonderful, amazing, fearful feeling I had ever felt. I was at the very beginning stages of learning that I wasn’t broken. I was imperfectly perfect and it was time I started remembering that…

Living the impossible dream

Occasionally tasks can seem utterly impossible. I can’t see the path to the end. Sometimes I can’t even see the end at all. Everything seems daunting. The amount of work to be done, the time it will take, the overwhelming sense of not even knowing where to begin. That kept me in a holding pattern for far too long. Man, once you start putting things in to motion it’s insane how fast the universe conspires to help you. Not only to speed up the process, but to provide ease as well.
So, here I am begging you, trust the universe. You will always be cared for. You will always end up exactly where you were meant to be and despite your concerns, you will love it! I know we all have to walk our own path, but if these words can help even just one person let go of what should be and put faith in what is, then I will feel such joy. Heck even if that one person is me. I am certain I will need to be reminded from time to time. If it’s you, I would love to hear how it works out for you.
{HUG}

Highly sensitive people

You ever heard of HSP? Highly sensitive people? No, I never had either until a few months ago when I stumbled across some article describing them. It was like someone was describing my life. It felt good and less lonesome to know there were others like me. HSPs are more sensitive to their surroundings. Often crying or throwing a fit over what others deem as insignificant. We feel others emotions and hurts as though it were our own. We take a lot of time trying to be more “normal”. As other non-HSP people suggest, we try to suck it up and move on or to stop blowing it out of proportion. But all that does is lead us into numbing our feelings. We eat, drink or throw ourselves into work in order to distract ourselves from feeling so much. We may do it so well that one day we no longer feel. And while others may commend us on our ability to change, all we keep thinking is ” what is wrong with me?” Because by becoming “normal” we lose ourselves. Yet, the change wasn’t conscious, so we can’t even pinpoint why we are suddenly so depressed.

As much as I don’t like to feel labeled, there is a certain freedom in hearing someone else describe what you have such difficulty putting in to words. There is comfort in knowing you are not alone. And, while I pride on being different, my emotional side just caused so many people such discomfort that I felt wrong in sharing it. Today, I read http://www.marcandangel.com/2015/07/22/10-life-changing-tips-for-highly-sensitive-people/ from Marc and Angel Hack Life (love them!!). This made me feel at peace and joyful. Like, I want to start singing “I’m emotional and I know it” to the tune of I’m sexy and I know it. Who sang that? I forget and I’m too lazy to look it up right now. Please don’t sue me.

I am learning to embrace my sensitive side. It hurts at times, but it hurts even more to hide behind walls. So when you find me on an emotional rollercoaster (which will be often all the time) just know that I understand the only way to feel the amazing highs of life is to feel fully the lows of life. And, what the hell…I love rollercoasters!

{HUG}