Day 343 – I Am Not Stupid

3 HUGS, 2 children, 1 husband

Today I woke up with more numbness in my hands as well as my legs, a stiff neck from yesterday’s fall and what felt like a fever. At first it was very difficult to distinguish between what was MS and what was just “normal” pains and sickness. So, my mind instantly went in to drama mode. “Ugh, this is the worst I have EVER felt in my life…” I became angry at the fact that I am a stay at home mom and I can’t call in sick. I became slow to move and had a permanent pained look on my face. I actually cried over the fact that my dog wouldn’t pee for 5 minutes and I had to walk her out in the yard that whole time feeling utterly miserable.

Hubby saw what shape I was in and decided to stay home at least for the morning to help me out. I instantly climbed back in to bed and wallowed in my misery. I was so uncomfortable there was no way I could sleep so I decided to take a shower. In the shower the tears just started to flow. I cried and cried and amidst the crying I heard myself repeating a mantra over and over. “I am so stupid. I am so stupid.” I felt stupid for being so dramatic. I felt stupid and selfish for choosing to eat foods that I knew could cause a relapse in my MS. I felt stupid for being so upset over a little numbness and achiness. Sure, it hurts, but it’s not the end of the world and deep down I knew that. I allowed these negative thoughts to flow amidst the tears until they had run their course.

I was completely dumbfounded. Was that really what I thought of myself? Why were my words so hurtful?  Where was that person that I claim to be that boasts only love and kindness? Really quietly I heard, “here i am”. Then a little louder, “Here I am. I never left you, you just never let me in. You believed in those negative thoughts so wholeheartedly that there was no room in your heart for me.” Feeling completely drained yet uplifted, I heard my mantra change from “I am so stupid.” to “I am so human.”

Some patients I see are actually draining into their bodies the diseased thoughts of their minds.
Zachary T. Bercovitz

Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.
Louise L. Hay

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

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2 thoughts on “Day 343 – I Am Not Stupid

  1. i couldnt tell you how many times ive let “i am so stupid” be my inner voice. thank you so much for offering the “i am so human” alternative! that was like an epiphany to me today. hugs to you, melinda.

    • I hope your inner voice chooses the I am human alternative from now on. For that matter, I hope mine does too. It’s always great to hear from you Burgetta. Hugs!

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