Lighten Up

1 new hug from a Target employee

I struggle with vulnerability. I know that to allow someone to get close means opening up to being vulnerable. That was a big obstacle for me once I decided to go on my year long hug journey. I shrink from sharing my innermost thoughts with others, even at times my hubby. In all honesty, even at times with myself. I find other ways to occupy my mind. I watch sitcoms, read books, devote hours to the internet or anything else that keeps me from being alone with only my thoughts. Yet, when I allow myself the freedom of being alone with my thoughts it isn’t as scary as I thought. As a matter of fact, that is when I am happiest.  It is a freeing feeling to admit and acknowledge fears, anger, even inappropriate thoughts. I mean, who is to say what is or isn’t appropriate? No one, except me. I am my own worst critic. When I let go of the criticism and allow myself space to be with those thoughts I realize that they are only words. They can’t harm me or anyone else unless I allow them to.

A big fear of mine is sharing these thoughts with others. How will they react? What will they think of me? Will they stop loving me? Well, the answer to these questions is, they will think I am human, they will feel relief that I sometimes have inappropriate thoughts just like them and they will love me even more for it. I am learning this. It is a slow process and having the knowledge is very different than applying it. But, slowly I am applying it. Slowly I am admitting to others that I don’t always think the same ways they do. Sometimes this makes me come across as crass or mean. Sometimes this makes me come across as uncaring or selfish. I am none of those things. In fact, I am the exact opposite of those things. Those that are dear to me will know this and still love me. Those that don’t know me will either choose to find me interesting or choose to walk away from ever getting to know me. Either way I am ok with that. I am not perfect and I can’t pretend to be. All I can do is be me.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

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