Since I learned of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting there has been a battle raging in my head. One that is screaming out in anguish at the injustice and pain that was caused by one man. And another that continues to try to remind me that I must see the positives. It’s just so damn hard.
I remained glued to the internet over the past almost 36 hours. To actually see it on the news live as they broadcast would be too painful, so I read and reread all of the same articles over and over again on 2 or 3 different news sites. I updated facebook over and over again learning which of my friends knew someone and were personally impacted. I try to say something, some words of comfort, but I can’t. I erase them as soon as they are written because they just feel so hollow and empty. Because that is how I feel. Finally last night, driving home past the Christmas decorations all lit up it hit me. Hard. I cried. I cried for those children. I cried for their families and friends. I cried for the first responders, the Doctors, the teachers. I cried for a community I know and love so well.
Then hubby held me tight and reminded me it’s ok. It’s ok to cry, to grieve, to feel loss even when I did not personally know anyone. He reminded me it’s ok to be angry, to want to lash out at the media for all of their sensationalism and misinformation. It’s ok to feel sick to my stomach every time someone posts or tweets something about Newtown when I know they should not even be aware this town exists.
Because when I come out of this grief and anger I will remember. I will remember the teachers that sacrificed their lives for those children. I will remember that people flooded to that town to offer their support and love. I will remember that every time someone does post or tweet about Newtown they are doing it to show that they too are affected. I will remember that for every one man that does this there are millions more that don’t. I will remember that I have faith in humankind and that one day we will know peace.
For now, I can barely breathe. I mourn for my community back home and wish them all peace and comfort during these darkest of times.