The very first definition of vulnerable in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. For me and many others that invokes an incapacitating fear. A fear so deeply held that no one, not even our significant others know all that we have to offer. Heck, I don’t even think I know all that I have to offer.
For the past month I have spent time meditating outside. My intention was to bring my self closer to nature and to a more peaceful state of mind. Instead I find myself in a quagmire of muck. Complete and utter frightening chaos. The only thing I can think of is that by being still for 20 minutes a day this fear of vulnerability has worked its way up from my core and is begging to be released.
Funny how these things work. As my month of meditation progressed, I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression (which of course I denied and made every attempt to cover up). Then, of all things, I watched Silver Linings Playbook. For no reason that I could explain at the time I cried for the next 24 hours. A week later hubby finally called me out. “We need to talk.” Ugh. “No.” I said. I rarely ever decline talking especially when something is troubling me. He wouldn’t let it go. Next thing I knew I was spilling out my fears, my deep, dark thoughts, being completely and frighteningly vulnerable. I thought I would suffocate and die. (I didn’t in case you were wondering.)
The next day on my way home from the grocery store I found myself thinking about the movie again when it dawns on me. I know why I got so upset by the movie. Jealousy. There is a scene at the very end where the main couple dance their hearts out at a professional dance competition. They are by no means professional dancers, but they own every second that they are out on the dance floor, mistakes and all. While every one else looks around feeling embarrassed for them they eagerly await their score out of 10. When the judges hold up their score of 5 they cheer like they have just won gold at the Olympics. In that moment they knew they gave their all, the poured their hearts out in a most vulnerable way and received a score no one believed they could get.
I want that. I want to overcome my fear and live life intentionally. It’s not easy. The process sometimes feels like taking 2 steps forward and 50 steps back. But, I suppose the important thing is taking those 2 steps anyway. In the meantime, today was a day I just wanted to wallow. In the spirit of living intentionally, I acknowledged this and guess what? Hubby and I joked about it and just let it be. I wallowed, I overanalyzed everything, I spent time alone and I did not socialize with any of my friends. To my surprise here I am at the end of the day with a smile just playing at the sides of my lips. I think it may actually appear before the day is out.
Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.