Vulnerability and Intention

The very first definition of vulnerable in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary is: capable of being physically or emotionally wounded. For me and many others that invokes an incapacitating fear. A fear so deeply held that no one, not even our significant others know all that we have to offer. Heck, I don’t even think I know all that I have to offer.

For the past month I have spent time meditating outside. My intention was to bring my self closer to nature and to a more peaceful state of mind. Instead I find myself in a quagmire of muck. Complete and utter frightening chaos. The only thing I can think of is that by being still for 20 minutes a day this fear of vulnerability has worked its way up from my core and is begging to be released.

Funny how these things work. As my month of meditation progressed, I felt myself sinking deeper and deeper into depression (which of course I denied and made every attempt to cover up). Then, of all things, I watched Silver Linings Playbook. For no reason that I could explain at the time I cried for the next 24 hours. A week later hubby finally called me out. “We need to talk.” Ugh. “No.” I said. I rarely ever decline talking especially when something is troubling me. He wouldn’t let it go. Next thing I knew I was spilling out my fears, my deep, dark thoughts, being completely and frighteningly vulnerable. I thought I would suffocate and die. (I didn’t in case you were wondering.)

The next day on my way home from the grocery store I found myself thinking about the movie again when it dawns on me. I know why I got so upset by the movie. Jealousy. There is a scene at the very end where the main couple dance their hearts out at a professional dance competition. They are by no means professional dancers, but they own every second that they are out on the dance floor, mistakes and all. While every one else looks around feeling embarrassed for them they eagerly await their score out of 10. When the judges hold up their score of 5 they cheer like they have just won gold at the Olympics. In that moment they knew they gave their all, the poured their hearts out in a most vulnerable way and received a score no one believed they could get.

I want that. I want to overcome my fear and live life intentionally. It’s not easy. The process sometimes feels like taking 2 steps forward and 50 steps back. But, I suppose the important thing is taking those 2 steps anyway. In the meantime, today was a day I just wanted to wallow. In the spirit of living intentionally, I acknowledged this and guess what? Hubby and I joked about it and just let it be. I wallowed, I overanalyzed everything, I spent time alone and I did not socialize with any of my friends. To my surprise here I am at the end of the day with a smile just playing at the sides of my lips. I think it may actually appear before the day is out.

Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.

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4 thoughts on “Vulnerability and Intention

  1. WOW!! I can’t believe you posted this today. I have been having a horrible time with a decades long friendship, that seems to have ended. The other person has seemingly been hurt by me, and I have NO idea what I did, didn’t do, or say or didn’t say. I have tried over and over these last few years to contact this person, to no avail. She won’t answer my phone calls or e-mail. I have been wallowing in sadness and grief for awhile now, and this weekend it all came to a head.
    Thank you, Melinda, for sharing. You gave me the chance to share and grieve this apparent loss of a dear friendship.
    Have a smiley (a little smile is good) time!!

  2. oh sweetie….. thank you for being vulnerable enough to reveal your inner most thoughts, fears and revelations with us all. It inspires us and gives the rest of us permission to perhaps not be so afraid of doing the same. I honestly believe that the dark hidden places of ourselves hold out the shinniest of joy and pearls of wisdom so WE CAN express our heart felt life FREELY…. until we “go there” into the dark and discover it really doesn’t crush us like we feared, the “joy and freedom” we think we’re living is only a disguise…. so GO WITH GUSTO into the depths and Know we all are here to support and lift you when ever and how ever it is needed….

    attaching something I wrote a couple weeks ago as I was going through a similar time…. woke from a disturbing dream and while the details of the dream quickly was forgotten, the feelings remained and I sobbed gut wrenching sobs from 2:30am to 7ish as I wrote what seemed to be whelling up…. I was pensive for days afterwards and family kept trying to cheer me up even after I told them I was fine, just needing to work through some things… It’s interesting once we’re on the path to Truth how easily it is to fall back into escape and delaying tactics of the ego vs marching onward towards our goal (the only goal is remembering our Oneness with God and our Divinity, which by the way, can’t come to a conflicted heart that hasn’t faced it’s fears and let them go). It’s not a trip for the faint of heart for sure. However I intuit that everyone WILL either go through it willingly or will end up facing a situation where they have the opportunity to discover their own night of the soul. (to clarify, I do NOT believe God is doaling out good things for some and bad things for others in the physical, emotional or mental…. However, as we experience life here in the physical, it is up to us as to how we meet it). I feel those of us who are determined seekers and willing to do the work, we learn and discover the lessons and truths w/o as much termoil and in a quicker time. I believe this to be the case so WE can be there to guide others through their time….. as you did in encouraging others to perhaps reach for their own Truths.

    let me know if there’s a good time to hook up…. and I’ll check my calendar….

    huge hugs

    ________________________________

    • I can’t wait to see you next week Mona. I love what you said about us being determined seekers willing to do the work so that we can guide others. So beautiful. {HUG}

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