I wish I could tell you that every day is full of love and kindness in my home. It’s not. Love, yes. Kindness, no. Today is one of those days when I am struggling to be kind to my children. This whole week has been full of those days. It’s quite tragic, really. All of the reasons I know I should be proud of my youngest are the very same reasons that I yell at him and use unkind words when talking about him to my friends.
He is curious, vivacious, independent and very physical. Amazing qualities to have. Yet, when talking about him I use words like, crazy, out of control, difficult, too much to handle. All within ear shot of him and my 6 year old. How terribly unkind.
I often send him to his room when the squeals of laughter get too much for my ears to handle then wonder to myself, “really? sending him to his room for laughter?” I convince myself it is because that same laughter is often what leads to one of the boys getting hurt because they will inevitably become quite physical with each other but I know deep down that is not true. They often don’t get hurt. And, if they do? They are just being boys/brothers. Is that enough to send them to their room?
The guilt creeps up before I even recognize it is there. Yet, it doesn’t stop me from yelling or inappropriately punishing. Then the tears begin to fall because I see myself as a failure at the one main job I have in my life. I love them with all my heart, but I am struggling to be the mom I want to be. They are just not cooperating. (gotta have a little humor to ease the heaviness in my heart)
I know this is a phase. I know it will get better, I know I will get better. I know I will look back on these days and not remember the guilt and yelling but the joy and carefree attitude of innocent children. Until then, I felt compelled to write my feelings not only because it is therapeutic for me but also in the hope that I can help another parent feel a little less alone when struggling through the same emotions.
Now, if you will excuse me, I have a couple of boys to go hug and request a do over on our day. Kindness will prevail.
Please accept this blog as my virtual hug to you.