Back around the time I stopped blogging I think it was because I realized I wasn’t writing for myself, but for what I thought others wanted to hear. My heart had closed up shop but I loved this community of friends that I had created in my little corner of the web. I didn’t want to lose you. I didn’t want you to not like what you read and walk away. So, I did what I do best. I walked away. That’s my go to. My M.O. You see the irony there, right? I lost you.
You weren’t the only ones I lost when my heart closed up shop. I lost friends, family, even my husband for awhile. My heart was so afraid of breaking open that I broke it apart and stored it in little “safety” boxes that could only be opened by me. I have spent the last 6 months opening those boxes to the potential hurt I have always feared. The only real hurt has been the fear. It is paralyzing at times and during those times I try to remember all that I have been through and all that I have overcome and the courage returns. I walk through the fear and open another box of my heart. Slowly (although at times it feels so fast that I can barely catch my breath) I piece together the broken parts. They don’t quite fit the same, but that reminds me of what the chinese do with their broken pottery. They mend it with gold. That way the broken pieces appear more beautiful than before. So, I am mending with gold. I am creating beauty in the pain.
Sometimes I feel more cowardly than ever. Other times I am in awe of my strength and beauty. The thing I know is that there is only one path for me in life and that is to continue moving forward.