Beautiful pain

I wanted to write to you this weekend, really I did. It was just so hard to well, breathe. Much less function as a human being. Much less write. I mean, writing would have completely undone me and life was doing a fine job of that all on it’s own. 

I heard all the time about the beauty and pain of living from your truth. I understood those words, but somethings you just don’t really understand until you live it. About a year ago I committed to living from my truth. As I mentioned recently that has caused a lot of changes, loss, growth, ups and downs. It was all preparation. Just as it’s important to strengthen our muscles for marathons, I needed to practice my truth so that when the time came to live from that place, I would be strong enough to do it. 

Late last week a very large piece of my heart broke open. It’s a piece that I have kept “safely” tucked away farther than most other parts so it would never have to see the light of day and I would never have to reveal it. The thing is, the only safe place for these parts is out in the open so we can embrace them, love them, accept them and move on from them. Otherwise, we quietly strengthen them by keeping them stored away until one day, they grow strong enough to break free all on their own. By this point, the pain of sharing that piece of our heart has grown almost unbearable and it feels as though your world…it felt as though my world was ending. Again. This seems to have become a theme for me lately. Yet, it has not ended. Here I still am. 

The rest of the weekend wasn’t pretty. A LOT of crying, lots of tv watching and comfort food eating, habits that I no longer resort to except in cases of extreme distress. I didn’t meditate, visit with anyone or sleep much and I wondered how long it would take to get out of the funk this time (in the past it has taken a VERY long time). 

Surprisingly, I woke up this morning to my new morning rituals. Up at 5am, did yoga, showered, meditated, made a nutritious breakfast and prepared a healthy snack for work. I felt good. Sad still, but good. I felt a new lightness like another burden had been lifted. I see it now, the potential for beauty that is born out of the pain of living from your truth. I don’t see the beauty yet, just the potential. But that is enough.



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