August to October 2014

At this time last year, I was seriously contemplating life. And not in the good way. Where was my life going? How had I gotten where I was? Why was I so unhappy? How could I find that happiness again? It seemed that no matter what I tried, meditation, reading uplifting stories, looking to spiritual mentors, trying to find the joy in the simple life of a mother and wife, nothing was working. Was I depressed? Was I bipolar? (I had my moments of sheer joy) Was it an illness? Was it the MS? Was it the foods I was eating? Every question I asked seemed to point to one thing…I was broken. 

How could I possibly find that joy again? How long would it take? How hard would it be and would I lose loved ones along the way? How would I even know where to begin, and once I did, how would I know the right path to choose? 

I knew the age of 40 was looming. I wanted to be the person that I knew I could be when that day finally came. I wanted that to be my birthday gift to myself. I knew I had it in me. So, I began with a job. A difficult decision to be sure because I always thought that I wanted to remain home with my children until they started school. My youngest still had a year left before kindergarten. How would this work? Would he be upset that he didn’t get the same time with me that my oldest had? Would I be upset feeling like a failure to my family? I found a job that gave me lots of flexbility so that I could at least still pick both kids up from school and spend the afternoon with them. Whew, at least I had that. Until a couple months in when I learned that the job was way more demanding and difficult than I originally anticipated. I recognized that it was a position that really demanded a full time person in the office. So, in a relatively short time span another difficult decision was to be made. Do I work full time and sacrifice more time away from my kids or allow my boss to find someone else more suited for the position? 

I really liked the job. I had my moments without a doubt, but all in all, it made me feel good. I felt needed, smart, capable and like a grown up that wasn’t ‘just a mom’. I had another identity and my soul yearned for it. I couldn’t quit now. In the meantime another factor was playing in to it all. I felt myself pulling away from my marriage. I felt our relationship crumbling around me. We had spent almost all 12 years of marriage working on it in some form or another and I was tired. Truth be told, I needed this job in more ways than one.

In what felt like the blink of an eye, I found myself working full time, separating from my husband and floundering in a world that I no longer understood. The one thing I knew was that I felt as though whatever had been weighing me down for so long was finally lifted. It was the most awful, wonderful, amazing, fearful feeling I had ever felt. I was at the very beginning stages of learning that I wasn’t broken. I was imperfectly perfect and it was time I started remembering that…

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2 thoughts on “August to October 2014

  1. A book would be cathartic and healing, don’t you think?  You write so well.  Comprehendable, with feeling and emotion that everyone can relate to.  You’re a natural. Desiring all the best for you and your boys, and Chris.  I know what is meant to be is unfolding with power and grace. When I get through this challenge of being with sister while in Hospice care, we will have to have coffee! till then, I hold you securely in my heart prayers,m

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