I am. I am afraid of my own dark. We all have it. That side of us that we are ashamed of and embarrassed by. Some of you are more willing to see your own darkness. More willing to embrace it and accept it as a part of yourself. Me? Not so much. I shun it. I tuck it away in to the crevices of my being hoping that no one will ever notice it’s there. Not even me. Crazy enough, it actually worked there for awhile.
I hid my darkness so well that even I don’t know the real me yet. Not fully. I mean, I know who I am when my light is shining. I know who I am when I am feeling virtuous. I even know who I am during not so bright moments as long as I feel I am still upholding the kind, loving Melinda.
Then, I was called out. It was brought to my attention that I have a dark side. Now, you might be saying, Duh, how could you not know you have one? Everyone does. I think maybe I knew it was there, but I just couldn’t acknowledge it. That meant that I would have to sit with it. Feel it. Listen to it and acknowledge it. But, what if it was mean? What if it was jealous? What if it was gossipy or selfish? No, that couldn’t be right. Those things aren’t me.
Right. Because I am superhuman. Obviously. I mean, only a superhuman would never feel those things. Would never think those things. That is the only explanation. Except, not really. Because I am human. Regular human. So, I am beginning to sit with my dark side. It is so f’ing uncomfortable that lately I have gotten super angry at nothing…often. I cry…often. I deny, deny, deny. My walls have come back up around my heart and I want to shout to the world, “NO! No, I am not those things! I don’t have a dark side!!”
But, in order to have a light side, there must be a dark side. A yin to your yang. (Well, that didn’t come out quite like I expected) The secret is in the balance. I can be light while acknowledging the dark. I can find outlets for my dark, in a scary movie, through art, while writing or just screaming at the top of my lungs out in the wilderness (I have yet to try that one, but I bet it’s cathartic).
So, here is to acknowledging my dark, embracing all of me, and believing that so long as I am always living from my truth I can never be anything but virtuous, no matter what my human self might be experiencing.