Part of the challenge of really getting to know yourself is owning up to the things you don’t like about yourself. I just had a major ‘aha’ moment myself. Whenever I get angry, I make jokes and I giggle. It’s my way of passing off whatever was just said or done like it didn’t have an effect on me. A way of making the other person feel more comfortable like they didn’t just hurt my feelings. Because, of course, they are probably always right and I am probably wrong. Or, I feel as though I am accepting enough of a person that my hurt doesn’t hurt as bad as theirs so I will take one for the team. These are not my finer moments.
I may have lost some of you there, but for those of you that do the same thing, I know you know exactly what I am talking about. It’s a great mechanism for guarding my heart and refusing to be vulnerable. For, if people see the ‘real’ me that gets angry and hurt, perhaps they will love me less.
I know better now. I know that some may love me less, but those are the people only meant to help me see what it means to be true. The exciting reality is that those that accept me can only love me more once I show them more to love.
It’s ugly and messy in the beginning. Even embarrassing at times as I wade through learning what it’s like to stop mid giggle and say, “no, wait. I am mad. That made me mad.” But the freedom of living my truth is so beautiful and precise that I will continue to trudge forward knowing that practice makes perfect and one day truth is all I will know.