Why does life have to be so multilayered? It would be so much easier if it were black/white, wrong/right. I have tended to live in the relative safety of those extremes and am being challenged to live in between. To be in the gray with grace and compassion. That is really freaking tough.
When I feel wronged, I just want to shout, “No! Don’t you see? Aren’t you aware of how you hurt me?” Grace and mercy ask us to sit with those questions and say, “Can I see another way? Was I in fact that one who harmed?” They ask us to acknowledge our Truth and follow it’s lead with compassion for ourselves as well as others.
I don’t know about you, but my Ego makes me shake during these times. I hear, “no, no, no. You have to make them see.” So, when I acknowledge my Truth and seek other’s advice which inevitably causes me to see another side to the situation my body literally begins to shake because I do not want to hear it. I want someone to validate my feelings not submerse me in to the gray area.
Yet, here I stand. In the gray. It’s really, really uncomfortable. At times I feel like I will throw up, other times I just want to go to sleep. Instead, I am trying to practice compassion for myself. I am asking for God’s grace. I am settling into my Truth as I try to understand what that means. The door to my heart keeps opening and closing and I know that it is only through this gray area can I learn to prop it open and invite the fullness of life in.