Becoming yourself has to be about the bravest damn thing you can do. Seems like such a simple thing. Just be. Do what you love. Enjoy life. But, if you learned to be something for others, to do what will generate income and you stopped enjoying life, it is very difficult to get back to yourself.
I have spent much of my life creating patterns that gave me the results that helped me to live a “normal” life. I learned to do the things that were expected because it was easier in the moment. No one questioned my motives. No one balked at my decisions. I was accepted and loved. Or, so it seemed. The biggest problem was that I stopped accepting and loving myself. That is a very lonely place to be even when surrounded by people who love you.
I stopped believing that people truly loved and accepted me because how could they if they didn’t know who I was? It has taken me a very long time and lots of work on myself to realize that most of them did love me. I was still myself. I just was behaving in a manner that didn’t jive with who I was. I couldn’t see that that didn’t define me. I couldn’t see that changing those behaviors and becoming more in line with myself wouldn’t change me, it would just enhance the me that already is. I couldn’t see that it was possible to fall back in love with myself.
Yes it has been difficult. But, what I am learning is that I am braver than I ever imagined I could be. I am more compassionate than I knew. I am more open and vulnerable than I thought I could be. I am hopeful that one day – soon – I will learn to love this process and welcome each challenge and opportunity to become more me with open arms and an even more open heart.