As I expand my consciousness I find myself experiencing all of the emotions and challenges that I have read about. I have read about the struggle to grow, how painful it can be at times. How alienating it is as others are unable to understand your journey. I have read about the internal battle as your ego fights the growth. I understood and I welcomed these challenges because I knew the person that I wanted to become would have to face these.
I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t prepared for how difficult it might be. How can you really ever be prepared for something you have never experienced? You can read all about it, but until you actually experience it for yourself you can’t possible know how it would feel.
Over the past week I opened up a can of worms. I looked the world head on and said, “Bring it. I am ready to expand and become the person I am meant to be. I am ready to show up in love with my heart wide open. I am ready to rise above ego.” To which the world replied, “Yes, oh yes! I am so excited. Look at these awesome opportunities I am presenting to you to change!”
Oh crap. What did I do? I was not prepared for the anger, fear and ambush of emotions that came at me as I stumbled my way through each of these opportunities. My body felt as though I went in to fight or flight mode (which it probably did). I was incredibly agitated and in that vein I chose to comfort myself with foods that do not do my body good. I even experienced my first anxiety attack in 5 years. Please no, anything but that!
The incredulous part is that I kept choosing more opportunities to grow. Rather than just sit with the growth I was already experiencing, I went deeper inside myself to find out where else I could grow. I was choosing more pain, more discomfort and potentially more anxiety. I wasn’t coasting, I was gaining momentum – fast. It felt as though I was spiraling out of control at times.
As I slowed to a manageable pace, I found myself in peace. I was still experiencing the pain of the journey, but as my consciousness had been raised, I could see outside of the pain. I could see how each opportunity; as difficult as they felt, served a very specific purpose. Amidst the pain I actually felt amazement and awe of what I was capable of. I could see the beauty of my growth and feel the peace that had settled on my heart. A peace that can only come with an understanding that I am not my ego. The understanding that I am experiencing human conditions and am removing any attachment to thinking that is who I am. Because it’s not.
I am love.