Being an angsty 17 year old in a 40 year old’s body

“How do you feel you show up in the world?” This question was posed to me last evening. 

“I feel like a child” I replied. 

“Like you are having fun and not wanting responsibility?” (These weren’t the exact words she used, but this is how I heard them) 

“No, it’s more like no one could take me seriously because everyone is smarter, more experienced and more confident than me. So, like a child but without the fun” 

“Like a teenager, an angsty teenager?”

“Yes, yes, that is exactly what I am an angsty, sullen teenager.”

Except I am not, because I am 40 years old. Do you know how difficult it is to be taken seriously at 40 when you still feel 17? The frustrating part is that people do take me seriously. They compliment me on my achievements and ask for more of my talents. So, then why, when I get home do I minimize my self worth? Why do I fear being called out as a fraud that doesn’t really know what she is doing? I think Maya Angelou said it best when she said, “I have written 11 books, but each time, I think: ‘Uh-oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.”

Well, at least if I hide behind this defiant, sulky teenager persona, I don’t actually have to accomplish anything. I can hide behind my fears and just keep saying I am not good enough. The problem is that I am feeling a very strong push to accomplish greatness. My Self knows what I am capable of accomplishing and is pushing me to go do that. Yet all I keep doing is coming up with excuses.

I am not good enough

I don’t know what I am meant to do

I am waiting for my calling

I feel I am in a period of rest

Bullshit. All excuses. They may have worked at 17 but I have had 23 years of life since then and enough experience to know when I am making excuses just to get out of doing the work. Ultimately isn’t that what it comes down to? Just putting in the work? Doesn’t matter if I know what I am doing. As my friend said last night (and a few nights before), “Just DO SOMETHING.” Argh. FINE. 

*Pouts and stomps off to go do something.*

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