With each step, this relocation to Atlanta feels more and more real. Here’s the latest step:
I have had 2 years to adjust to this idea of moving. 2 years. You would think that would be enough time to fully adjust. But, when it becomes real, the feelings surface with a vengeance. I am excited. Really. Truly. But, I am also terrified, overwhelmed, angry, sad and pretty much every other negative feeling in the world. Now, I don’t sit well with negative feelings, so instead of addressing them, I have been pushing them aside trying to change my thoughts – because I believe we do have the power to. What do I end up with? Anxiety. Lots of anxiety. The very strong reminder that while, yes, I can change my thoughts, I can’t change my feelings.
So, how do I navigate this incredibly sticky situation? Clearly, poorly. That’s how it has felt anyway. Until 2 days ago. It wasn’t until I finally broke down to my hubby that I realized where my anxiety was coming from. (Seems pretty obvious now…duh.) This is a BIG change. I can’t control it. I have negative feelings about it and I don’t like that. Once I started expressing that to him, I just cried. Then, yesterday I went for a walk and cried some more. Then saw my girlfriends last night and cried some more. And, sitting here I feel the tears about to flow again.
And, it’s ok. It’s confusing to know I will be ok and that I am excited about this move while feeling so terrible at the same time. That is it isn’t it? That is what spiritual leaders talk about when they say to feel your feelings with no judgement and let them go. They aren’t saying to change your feelings. They aren’t saying to feel your thoughts. They are saying these are two different pieces to our human experience and they should be addressed as such. *lightbulb moment*
I must say, today, I feel as though I am able to conquer more. I haven’t had any anxiety since yesterday morning. As much as I hate experiencing these moments in life that feel so terrible, I love the ultimate understanding and clarity they bring. Great, now that I have learned another life lesson, where is my pause button? I need a moment.