Hi. My name is Melinda and I am a control freak.
It’s been less than 24 hours since my last meltdown. While I know I am doing ok now, I fear the next one is right around the corner especially with this relocation thing happening.
Yeah. So, I thought I was managing things ok. I mean, it’s been hard. Accepting the relocation; cleaning, clearing and de cluttering the house; taking care of the family and training a new dog but I felt I was doing ok. Tired maybe. A little crankier than usual, but ok. Then yesterday happened.
I was so agitated in the morning I decided to take a bath. While in the bath, I melted down so bad that I cried hard enough to wonder if I was actually going to pass out, fall into the tub and drown. Yes, even in the moment of thinking that I heard how ridiculous it sounded. I didn’t care, I was too busy being in full on pity mode. I was screaming and crying like a child throwing a tantrum. (Very becoming I am sure…)
Thank God for good friends. I was reminded that while it was perfectly acceptable to feel this way and to thrown my tantrum, the truth of the matter was that I only felt so strongly because I am attempting to control a completely uncontrollable situation. You know, life. As I have mentioned in previous posts, as much as I want to be a go with the flow gal, I am SOOOO not.
But, do I want to keep melting down like that? No. Can I possibly let go just a little to ease some of the agitation? Probably. Sigh. My brain just doesn’t like that. I want to be able to say, Yes. I will just let go. I can do that. But, letting go isn’t doing. Doing is just the illusion that I have control over the letting go. It just has to happen. And I. Don’t. Understand. That. UGH!
But, I am willing to try. I mean, whether I let go or not, this move is happening so I can either have fun with it or fight it.
My name is Melinda and I choose not to be a control freak anymore. (It’s just that easy, right?)