Control Freak

Hi. My name is Melinda and I am a control freak. 

It’s been less than 24 hours since my last meltdown. While I know I am doing ok now, I fear the next one is right around the corner especially with this relocation thing happening.

Yeah. So, I thought I was managing things ok. I mean, it’s been hard. Accepting the relocation; cleaning, clearing and de cluttering the house; taking care of the family and training a new dog but I felt I was doing ok. Tired maybe. A little crankier than usual, but ok. Then yesterday happened.

I was so agitated in the morning I decided to take a bath. While in the bath, I melted down so bad that I cried hard enough to wonder if I was actually going to pass out, fall into the tub and drown. Yes, even in the moment of thinking that I heard how ridiculous it sounded. I didn’t care, I was too busy being in full on pity mode. I was screaming and crying like a child throwing a tantrum. (Very becoming I am sure…) 

Thank God for good friends. I was reminded that while it was perfectly acceptable to feel this way and to thrown my tantrum, the truth of the matter was that I only felt so strongly because I am attempting to control a completely uncontrollable situation. You know, life. As I have mentioned in previous posts, as much as I want to be a go with the flow gal, I am SOOOO not. 

But, do I  want to keep melting down like that? No. Can I possibly let go just a little to ease some of the agitation? Probably. Sigh. My brain just doesn’t like that. I want to be able to say, Yes. I will just let go. I can do that. But, letting go isn’t doing. Doing is just the illusion that I have control over the letting go. It just has to happen. And I. Don’t. Understand. That. UGH! 

But, I am willing to try. I mean, whether I let go or not, this move is happening so I can either have fun with it or fight it. 

My name is Melinda and I choose not to be a control freak anymore. (It’s just that easy, right?)

{HUG}

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2 thoughts on “Control Freak

  1. oooo I like your friend….  “trying to control a UNcontrollable situation”   yep I agree whole heartedly.  I’m there too, trying to control.  It would be so much easier and more fun to just flow.   You have relocation, hubby, kids and pee spot, I mean tater tot.  I am not only a recovering control freak, but am dealing with two lovely control freaks sister Pam and 87yo mother. Neither of who admit such or are observably trying to be otherwise.  LOL  How fun, on a good day, to observe them and me!  On a bad day, I give as much as I take!  Don’t know if I told you, sister was told July 5 she only had days to weeks to live.  LOL she and I bought an RV and are dragging, almost literaly, hubby and mom with us to FL, leaving Sun for 5-6 weeks!  Oh did I mention the RV is only 21′?  OMG  this will be the OPPORTUNITY of a life time!  Such gifts are before me.  uhhh yea, right.  I’m actually looking forward to it.  Pam is remarkably reseliant and defiant.  The Dr’s for 25 years have told her “Ms Cash, I can not presume anything with you as you are so OUT OF THE BOX from how we’ve ever experienced someone with ovarian cancer, and now bowel perforation…and, and, and”.  I actually think her need for control is what has made her a surTHRIVer.  I wish I could say it also has made her happy and more peaceful too, but I can’t.  My lesson is not to try to change her, or mother, but to simply observe ME.  My thoughts and perspectives.  Not wanting to sound like a born again Christian, but, what would Jesus do?  What would Budha or Ghandi or any other Spiritual Teacher do or look or think about this situation?  How would they shine Love?  I don’t recall any of them DOing anything vs having a loving perspective and any doing being the outflow of that.   Here’s to more letting go of control, for us both.  To more deep breaths, more forgiveness for self and others.  More acceptance and what is and seeing the gifts in these UNcontrollable situations.   again, much Love Patience and Joy my sweet dear friend, m

    • Sounds like you gals will be on a grand adventure!! How fun. Can’t wait to hear about all the odds you defy on that one! Funny what you said, I often find myself saying, “What would Gandhi; Eckhart Tolle, Jesus, Buddha do? As you said, this reminds me to just be, not do because that is the essence of us all. {HUG}

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