How do you have faith when it feels as though everything is out of control? Throughout my life when people have told me to have faith BECAUSE everything was out of control I wanted to punch them in the face. Then, when everything was back in control again faith felt so easy that it was obvious I had faith all along. Until everything went to shit again. So, how do you break the cycle? I mean, in order to see faith at work you kind of need to be in the shit practicing it while it’s hard. Vicious, vicious cycle.
The awesome thing is that life will hand us small opportunities of difficulty to practice that faith even amidst some of our hardest times. Let’s take moving for example… just kind of popped to mind… They say that it is one of the most challenging things you will go through beside divorce and death of loved ones. What a great opportunity to practice faith. So, that’s what I did. Each step along the way I breathed deeply acknowledging that it was all beyond my control and I knew it would work out as it was meant to even when it didn’t feel that way. And, I would focus only on one manageable thing at a time.
I have literally spent the past few months spending most of my time breathing, meditating and walking in nature. Many people (including myself) might think how unproductive that would be. I mean there are a thousand and one things to do to get ready. But I was practicing faith. I knew everything would get done at the time it was meant to be done. Do you know how hard that was when all of the following things happened?? Our house didn’t sell right away like we hoped. (Funny enough there was a small part of me that wished it wouldn’t sell until I knew the boys could finish out the school year and not have to transfer before the year was out.) What if we didn’t get a buyer for 6 months? Would we need to move anyway? Could we afford two places even temporarily? Stuff that I was posting on craigslist and Letgo sites weren’t selling very quickly and I knew we didn’t want to move them. Once we got a buyer, we didn’t have a place to live in Atlanta and our one househunting trip produced nothing. I couldn’t line up a vanline until that was set and we were going to be moving during the second busiest week of the year for vanlines. My dog was still peeing and pooping in the house and started barking in his crate when I would leave the house. Big problem because we expected to be renting and are pretty sure the neighbors won’t go for that. Would we need temporary living? How would we pay for that?
Looking at all of that now gives me anxiety, but staying in the moment as much as possible led me to only have to be concerned about one thing at a time. Much more manageable. Eventually my faith paid off. We did get a buyer and lo and behold they wanted to close in one month! The timing turned out perfect, the boys would finish school and we would close one week later. We did find a townhouse to rent that would be available 5 days after our closing – just long enough to go on a Disney cruise to reward ourselves. (that’s right there happened to be a Disney cruise for 3 nights that fit perfectly in between the time we sold our house and when we were ready to move in to the new house!) I found a van line that had perfect availability for us – with only one spot left in that time frame! Over the past week, I have taken a Horsewise class that helped with my confidence in working with animals including my dog and I had been given the name of a dog trainer that came to the house to work with me and I feel quite confident Tater’s barking will be under control in no time. And, slowly but surely the items we don’t want to move are getting sold.
With each step that began to work in our favor I felt stronger and stronger in my faith. It helped ease the pain of the moments when things didn’t appear to go in our favor. Because I knew there was a reason and that reason probably was that I didn’t see how great the outcome could even be. But life is proving to me that it knows better than I do. That I am not in control and am fully supported so that I don’t have to worry about trying to control.
I owe so much to my insane amount of ‘downtime’ knowing in reality it wasn’t downtime at all but just practice. Practice at letting go, practice at allowing life to flow through me, practice at having faith. I am beginning to witness the person that I always wanted to be, the person I always knew I was. One that believed in love, peace and faith that everything always works out just as it is meant to. It doesn’t always feel good, but faith allows for peace even in those moments because I know eventually it will.
See you in Atlanta.