I made a decision recently that it is time for me to begin stepping in to my greatest fears. I have found this peaceful place through meditating and solitary reflection but it doesn’t feel much like living. It’s nice but I have been given this opportunity to experience the fullness of being human and choosing to keep away from those things that scare me limits my experience of life. For I am fairly certain that it is in the midst of those fears that I will find some of my greatest accomplishments and joys. I am not 100% sure, but that really resonates with my soul.
So, I have begun stepping in to those fears. Spending more time in large crowds (gasp!), letting go of control of well, everything, interviewing for an unpaid writing internship (eek!), and doing mirror work to practice loving myself.
The large crowds thing isn’t so bad. I think the time I have spent practicing protecting my energies has helped me be able to manage being around people better. So, that’s going ok.
Letting go of control is a struggle. I don’t know it’s so much a fear as it is a way to feel like I have some sort of say in my life. All I feel like I am really accomplishing here so far is that I am creating a lot of anger. Anger that things are not going my way at all times, that my dog, my relationships, my expectations are not being met. It’s gotten pretty ugly.
I got the internship! So, that was a huge positive. It starts today and I am terrified, but excited to see where this leads me. I am excited for the experience I will get and thrilled to be working for someone who appears to align so well with my own values.
The mirror work? Yeah. That’s some hard stuff. It’s based on Louise Hay’s mirror work to practice loving myself. I stand in front of the mirror each morning and tell myself “I love you”. I have been video taping it so I can see how I progress over the course of one month. I can’t tell if it’s the mirror work that is dredging up so much anger because it is bringing all of my insecurities to the forefront or if it’s that letting go thing I have been working on, but either way – so. much. anger. It feels so uncomfortable, it looks so ugly and it seems to be doing the exact opposite of what I want to be doing. I find myself more rooted in self loathing than I have ever felt before. But, is that really truth or is it that I am finally willing to face how much I have been self loathing all along and this is really the opportunity for me to face that fact and in doing so, I can finally begin to love myself?
I am hopeful that it is the latter. That by taking a good hard look at myself I can finally embrace my human experience fully. That I can finally show up as the person I am meant to show up as in the world. That in embracing the fullness of myself I can finally heal myself and in doing so, maybe even help to heal others.
This world needs now, more than ever, people who are passionately showing up as themselves in this world. To be wholeheartedly invested in this life. We all have purpose and we all have an opportunity to make a difference. I am ready to make a difference – not temporarily through a year of hugging but permanently by living life passionately, showing up and not fading in to the background.
How are you showing up?